By Drew Housman | “The Simple Dollar”
Here’s why we decided to merge everything, and how we make it work.
Simplicity and Trust
Deciding whether or not to join finances came down to a question of what we valued more: simplicity or independence. Would either of us feel less independent, less adult, or less “ourselves” if we joined our accounts? It’s a real thing we had to talk about.
We both take a lot of pride in being able to manage our spending and monitor our accounts. Wouldn’t it be weird to give up some of that freedom? Could it cause resentment if one of us was keeping spending low while the other was out buying new clothes all the time?
To address that concern, we established a rule. We decided that purchases above $50 would be a joint decision. It’s a system that allows for a nice balance of independence and collaboration. We don’t need to text each other to ask if it’s okay to buy a coffee, so it doesn’t feel like Big Brother is watching over our shoulders.
That being said, we still need to be on guard. While we’re both frugal, not all of our impulsive spending instincts have been stamped out. If I hang out with a friend who has a new FitBit, for example, I can pretty quickly convince myself that nothing is more important than my health and I’d be dumb not to spend a hundred bucks to order one right away.
Now, I know to check in with Ashley first. Usually, she talks me off the edge, and vice versa. We are constantly reminding each other that our goals as a new family are more important than what we individually crave in the moment.
Ultimately, we decided that the benefits of joining forces outweighed the costs. Everything just got a little easier once we dumped all our income into one shared account. In the past, something like paying rent was a two-step process that involved one of us cutting a check, and then getting payment from the other. Now it all comes out of one checking account without any hassle.
The Challenges
I totally understand couples who don’t like the idea of doing joint accounts. At first, it’s a bit unnerving to think that your their partner can snoop on your accounts at any time. Maybe they like being able to buy gifts without having the surprise spoiled by their partner logging into the account and seeing a charge they don’t recognize. Maybe they’re really happy with the credit union they’ve used for years, and don’t want to leave to join a national chain.
All of those are perfectly reasonable objections. But, in our minds, the end result is that life without joint bank accounts is always going to be more complicated. Even if it’s just a little friction, it would be enough to annoy us. We’re the kind of people who love wireless headphones for the mere fact that we never have to take that extra five seconds to plug in an auxiliary cord. We feel a little part of ourselves die when we attempt to plug in a USB cable and it ends up not working because the adapter is upside down. The way we see it, separate accounts would mean daily frictions of the same nature.
On a more philosophical level, we felt that creating joint accounts builds stability and trust into the bedrock of our relationship. It’s freeing to allow someone into such a personal aspect of your life, because it means that you have a truly deep connection.
I should note that neither of us is entering into this marriage with a huge amount of savings, or debt, and we both earn salaries that are in the same ballpark. This financial parity certainly simplifies things. I can see how in more unbalanced situations things could be trickier to sort out. For us, it makes sense to treat all savings and income as shared, but each situation is different.
Investment Accounts and Risk Tolerance
Coming up with a method for handling your daily cash flow is one thing, but investing is a whole different beast. We decided to create a joint brokerage account. In order to get on the same page with regards to our investments, we gave ourselves homework.
We each sought out a few different investing strategies that appealed to us, and then we spent a few weeks learning all that we could about them.
I’m not saying that three weeks is enough time to learn everything there is to know about investing. We just needed that much time to settle on a strategy that felt good to us.
The final asset allocation we chose is not important. What matters was that we had an honest discussion about how we viewed investing, and we agreed on a strategy that we are comfortable sticking with for the long haul.
The Power of a Weekly Chat
In order to make sure we’re on the same page and that we stay that way, we singled out Tuesday nights as a time to talk through everything money related. Every Tuesday, we sit down and go over our spending, our budget, and our future plans.
If we notice discrepancies, or we have concerns, we talk about them honestly. We call this our weekly “Business Chat.” Yes, that’s misspelled. It’s because while taking notes on that very first Tuesday, Ashley was going too fast and spelled “business” wrong. The name stuck.
I know this is corny, but the silly name helps us to have fun with the whole situation. As the acclaimed relationship therapists over at the Gottman Institute always say, building traditions as a couple is a fun and important thing to do in the early stages of marriage. Business Chat is now a tradition, and we love it.
For the talks that get a little dicey or confrontational, always remember – wine helps everything.
Summing Up
There is no right or wrong way to handle money in a relationship. As long as you find a method that’s sustainable and makes sense to both parties, you’ll be happy. For us, that meant dumping everything into one big pot, sharing all financial duties, and handling “business” as a team.
